Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
