I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
