I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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