he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
