I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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