I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
