what day is it and did you see me today?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
This is my life. Enjoy the view
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
