my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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