so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
