what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
