Banned from zoo.
Again?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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