wrigley field is MILF paradise
i love accidental penises.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Never joke about your clitoris.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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