is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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