careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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