I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
this boner is exhausting
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
