Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize