you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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