sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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