My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
