If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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