I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
