Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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