just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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