That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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