You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize