Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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