dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
