I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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