Your face is a jimmy john
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
