My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
