If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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