Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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