There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
it glows. i had to have it.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
