If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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