You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
