Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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