Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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