dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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