Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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