we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
