last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
