So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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