I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
