Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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