You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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