They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
