he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
