My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
