So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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