You're my little dorito
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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