spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Randomize
