I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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