She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
