no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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