i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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