apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
