my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
