I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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