Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
