someone threw a dead crab at me
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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