somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
