she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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