i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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